My Experience

Hi there! As you probably know by now, I’m Elicia.

And I would like to share a little about my experience with domestic violence with you.

I spent 13 years in a relationship, that slowly changed what I thought love was..

what I thought was,, normal???

& eventually,

...what I thought I deserved.

Before that relationship, I was a lot of things.

I was highly energetic. A thrill seeker. Optimistic. Hopeful. A romantic.

I was also a little lost and confused.

I could be rude when my feelings were hurt , but most of the time, I was sweet. .. for the most part!

I was also painfully  judgmental of other people and, looking back, I disregarded experiences I didn’t understand.

I had a bit of a:

“Well, that’s not me… and that won't happen to me". sort of mentality.

" Gross.. I know".

Trauma belonged to other people.

Abusive relationships happened to other people.

People staying in situations that hurt them made absolutely no sense to me.

Until I realized... " I was doing the same thing".

And life has a funny way of teaching you compassion by completely dismantling the certainty you once had.

" When Things Slowly Start Changing"

Abuse doesn’t always introduce itself as abuse.

Sometimes it begins with apologies & promises to do better.

Theres periods where everything feels wonderful again, you believe things are really going to change this time.. you start to believe that the relationship is worth fighting for.

You believe your family will be enough reason for someone to change. 

Sometimes the person hurting you can also be the person standing up for you & that contradiction can mess with your mind, body, soul, spirit and your understanding of what is and loss of what that looks like. 

Things I once considered normal eventually became control.

Sharing a phone.

Sharing social media.

Constant fighting.

Having less independence.

Having less privacy.

Eventually..

..the situation became severe enough that there were times I was physically restrained.

Every day looked different.

That unpredictability becomes its own kind of prison because you are constantly adjusting yourself to whatever version or versions of abuse arrive that day.

You become remarkably good at surviving an environment you should never have had to survive.

Leaving Didn’t Immediately Feel Like Freedom

People often imagine leaving as this " I am free " moment. When you first leave a d.v. situation, you usually are yet to feel free, it's more of a feeling of 

" I have escaped for now".

Feeling " Free " was not my personal experience. 

I honestly didn’t " feel free " until years later. And by free I mean I choose to not live in fear of someone any longer. I did that my entire child and teen age hood. I Couldn't do that any longer, nit for anyone. 

Getting physically away from something and feeling free inside yourself are two completely different things.

Your body can leave before your mind understands that the danger has passed.

Your circumstances can change while your thoughts are still operating according to old rules.

You can have choices again and still feel like you need permission.

You can be safe and still not quite know who you are.

That part surprised me.

Rebuilding Wasn't About Going Back

I definitely did not want to become exactly who I was before.. I mean .. I didn't even know who I was yet anyways.

Between two toxic homes growing up, becoming a mother at a young age, and being a victim for 13 years in a. d.v. relationship... I was still .. growing, healing, still learning myself and who I wanted to become not only as a mother but as an individual person. 

That young woman had wonderful qualities, but she was also lost in ways she didn't understand yet.

I wanted the opportunity to rebuild. Re-Brand. I needed to step away from everyone and everything I knew, I needed to find me with-out everyone telling my who I was and Who I should be and what I should do. I was tired of explaining my-self to people who didn't see or hear me to begin with.

 I needed to work on me so I could work on my relationship with my children.

(Still and always a work in progress)

Rebuilding meant having to ask questions thatI hadn't asked myself in years:

Who am I now?

Who do I want to be?

What belongs in my life?

What doesn't anymore?

What does healthy actually feel like?

There wasn't one magical answer.

There were groups.

Therapy.

Meditation.

Support.

Healthy hobbies.

Clubs.

Time alone.

Taking care of my appearance and trying to work on my physical health. ( Still working on, working on the physical health part.. lol.. what? I am a human too and I get tired too! ) 

I had to start Learning new things.

Changing the way I spoke.

Meeting different people.

Trying things simply because I wanted to.

And slowly creating a life that actually felt like mine.

Why I'm Talking About It Now

Because domestic violence is still happening every day.

To women.

To men.

To children.

To people from every background imaginable.

And silence doesn't make it disappear.

The more people who speak, the harder it becomes for society to pretend it isn't happening.

More conversation creates more awareness.

More awareness can create more resources.

Better education.

Earlier recognition.

Better support.

More compassion for survivors.

And, hopefully, better interventions for everyone affected by cycles of abuse.

We need to stop normalizing behavior that destroys people simply because we've seen it so often.

We need to stop asking only:

“Why didn't they leave?”

And become much more curious about:

“What made leaving so difficult?”

“What help was available?”

“What warning signs were missed?”

“How do we prevent another person from reaching the same place?”

Speaking doesn't erase what happened.

But speaking can give what happened a purpose beyond pain.

There Is Life After Survival

One of the greatest things rebuilding taught me is that your internal world matters.

What you repeatedly tell yourself matters.

The environments you surround yourself with matter.

The people you give access to matter.

Your habits matter.

Your boundaries matter.

Your subconscious absorbs far more than we realize.

For years, survival may teach your mind:

Stay alert.

Don't trust.

Don't relax.

Prepare for what comes next.

Recovery begins teaching it something different.

I am allowed to be here.

I am allowed to make choices.

I am allowed to grow.

I am allowed to experience peace without waiting for something terrible to happen afterward.

That shift doesn't happen overnight.

Alignment isn't pretending everything is wonderful.

It is slowly bringing your thoughts, choices, environment, relationships, and actions closer to the life you actually want.

And eventually you begin finding flow again.

You stop spending every ounce of energy fighting against your own life.

You start participating in it.

You begin recognizing yourself.

Maybe even meeting parts of yourself you've never known before.

And that is where hope lives for me.

Not in pretending the past didn't happen.

Not in forcing positivity over pain.

But in knowing that the past does not have to remain in charge of the future.

I survived something that changed me.

Then I got the chance to decide how I wanted to change next.

And that may be one of the most powerful forms of rebellion there is.

Your story matters. But what happened to you does not get ownership of the rest of it. Write Your Story. Share Your Recovery.