Surviving Domestic Violence & Finding Yourself Again
There was a time when I believed saying sorry meant things would get better.
I believed our family would be enough motivation for him to change. I believed that because he could hurt me and then stand up for me, somehow both things could exist together and still be called love.
I thought fighting like that was normal.
I thought sharing one phone was normal.
I thought sharing social media accounts was normal.
I thought having less privacy, less independence, and less of myself was simply part of being committed to someone.
It wasn't.
Sometimes unhealthy things become so familiar that you stop questioning them. You adjust. You make excuses. You learn how to keep the peace. Your world becomes smaller without you even realizing how much of yourself has disappeared.
And apologies can become part of the abusive cycle, the abuser says things like:
" I'm Sorry."
" It won't happen again I promise, I will change, let me show you."
I'll do better, give me one more chance."
" Things will be different, just watch, I'll show you."
Things improve for a little while and hope resets the clock.
I held onto that hope for a very long time.
My Experience
Domestic violence affected nearly every part of my life.
There was mental abuse, verbal abuse, physical violence, isolation, control over money and communication, and periods when I was kept from having the freedom other adults simply expect to have.
Over time, I lost pieces of myself.
My confidence.
My independence.
My connection to people.
My sense of what was normal.
My ability to imagine a completely different life.
There were also complicated pieces that people outside abusive relationships do not always understand.
I loved him.
There were moments when he defended me.
There were memories and a family tied into everything.
There was a trauma bond.
There were good moments mixed into terrible ones.
And none of that made the abuse acceptable.
That is one of the things I understand differently now: someone can have qualities you love and still be unsafe for you.
You don't have to rewrite every memory as terrible in order to admit the relationship was hurting you.
The Turning Point
Eventually my thinking became very simple:
Escape or die.
There wasn't a beautifully planned exit or some magical moment when fear disappeared.
There was survival.
Leaving an abusive relationship can be incredibly dangerous, and leaving does not necessarily mean the danger immediately ends.
After I got away, friends had to hide me for several months.
He searched for me.
He tried to pay people to tell him where I was.
And while all of that was happening, I was also grieving someone I had loved.
That combination is difficult to explain unless you've lived it.
You can know you need to leave and still miss someone.
You can love someone and know you cannot safely return.
You can grieve the person, the relationship, the family you hoped for, and the future you imagined—all while knowing leaving was the right thing to do.
Eventually I had to accept something incredibly simple:
That wasn't love.
Love should not hurt you like that.
Love doesn't require you to disappear.
Love doesn't need your fear in order to survive.
Leaving Wasn't the End of the Story
Survival gets talked about a lot.
Rebuilding doesn't get talked about enough.
Leaving meant I was physically outside of that relationship, but I still had to figure out who I was after spending so much time surviving inside it.
That became a different kind of work.
DV groups helped.
Therapy helped.
Support groups helped.
Meditation helped.
Healthy hobbies helped.
Book clubs helped.
Spending time alone helped.
Taking care of my physical appearance helped too—not because appearance determines worth, but because caring for myself became one small way of saying:
I'm here again.
I began asking myself questions I hadn't had room to ask before:
Who am I?
What do I actually like?
What do I believe?
Who do I want around me?
What kind of life do I want to build?
Who do I want to become?
And slowly, those questions stopped feeling frightening.
They became exciting.
Nobody Could Do That Part for Me
People told me plenty of things over the years.
Some were helpful.
Some weren't.
But eventually I realized that I had to show myself what was possible.
The voice I needed most became my own.
I told myself:
“Keep going, girl. There is no one else but you who can do this.”
Not because support doesn't matter—it absolutely does.
But eventually there comes a point in rebuilding when you recognize your own participation in your future.
Someone can hold your hand.
Someone can give you resources.
Someone can remind you of your worth.
But there is something incredibly powerful about the moment you begin showing yourself that you can build a different life.
One decision.
One boundary.
One healthy habit.
One new experience.
One damn brave day at a time.
Healthy Boundaries Are Part of Recovery
One of the biggest things I learned while rebuilding was that boundaries aren't cruelty.
They're information, They're protection, They're clarity.
Boundaries are a part of learning who has access to you and under what conditions.
People may not and honestly a lot of people do not always like the boundaries you develop as you grow.
Some people benefited from the version of you who didn't have them. And some will resent you.
That does not mean you're doing something wrong... like at all. Remember this and give yourself some grace.
Don't allow anyone to shame you or make you feel guilty for creating healthy boundaries that are necessary for your growth.
You are allowed to say no.
You are allowed to change your mind.
You are allowed to stop explaining yourself.
You are allowed to protect your peace.
You are allowed to leave conversations, relationships, environments, and patterns that repeatedly harm you.
And you are allowed to become someone who would make the old version of you feel safe.
To Anyone Living Through It Right Now
You are not alone.
There are resources available, including confidential and private forms of help if you're frightened about reaching out or worried about what happens once you involve a system or organization.
Abuse deserves to be taken seriously.
Physical abuse.
Emotional abuse.
Verbal abuse.
Financial abuse.
Isolation.
Threats.
Coercive control.
Monitoring.
Intimidation.
Sexual abuse.
Using children, money, housing, transportation, technology, or communication as tools of control.
There are no excuses for abuse.
And you do not have to wait until something becomes "bad enough" to believe yourself.
You are worthy.
You are beautiful.
You are bold.
And somewhere beyond whatever you're surviving right now is a version of your story that hasn't been written yet.
I cannot wait for the day you get to tell yourself:
I survived that. And then I built something completely different.
Recovery Pathways
Recovery doesn't happen in one straight line.
You may need practical support.
You may need DV advocacy.
You may need therapy or a support group.
You may need to rebuild friendships.
You may need help understanding patterns.
You may need quiet.
You may need movement.
You may need creativity.
You may need to rediscover your identity.
Rebuilding your relationship with your own intuition after spending years being told that what you saw, felt, or remembered wasn't real or didn't happen or your not remembering it accurately.
That's why here at Soft Rebellion, we will take an approach to recovery through several pathways, including Pattern Recognition, Communication Clarity, Energy Restoration, Personal Growth & Life Renewal, identity rebuilding, and survivor-centered recovery resources.
These offerings are not replacements for emergency services, medical care, legal advocacy, or licensed mental-health treatment.
They're additional places to explore yourself, your patterns, your boundaries, and the person you're becoming.
Because surviving is extraordinary.
But eventually you deserve more than survival.
You deserve a life.
If You Are in Immediate Danger
If you believe you are in immediate danger, call 911 or your local emergency service when it is safe to do so.
For confidential domestic-violence support in the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help connect survivors with safety planning and local resources.
If your phone or internet activity may be monitored, consider using a safer device when seeking information or assistance.
A Note From Me
I don't tell my story because I want to remain inside the worst chapter of it.
I tell it because I know someone else is still standing where I once stood.
Wondering if they're imagining it.
Wondering if it counts
